I’ve been in all types of relationships with all kinds of spoken and non-spoken rules. I think rules are important; boundaries. But I also understand that each individual is different, and what works for me might not work for the next person. Most people in our culture prefer monogamy, or at least that’s what they like to call it. They prefer pretending they don’t cheat, and pretending they never desire anyone else other than their exclusive partner. And that is not to say there aren’t couples who actually do not cheat and truly desire only each other. I just find that after years of being with one partner, crushes happen. No matter how much I adore and am turned on by my partner, both he and I will also come across other individuals who we find mentally and physically attractive, who reciprocate those feelings. But the rule of monogamy states that we can’t do anything about it.
I understand jealousy, I am not immune to it. I understand wanting to possess someone I love, and I even understand wanting to be possessed. But look at life; it’s long. Most traditional, monogamous couples I’ve known stop having sex after a decade or so. So then that’s it? No sex ever again? Honey I am going to be doing it when I’m 80, assuming I live that long. Sex and physical intimacy are beautiful things, and I can’t imagine ever being deprived of giving and receiving both on a consistent basis.
The thing about polyamory is that everyone makes their own rules. Some people have a primary partner, and then other relationships on the side. Other poly people do not like to categorize their relationships, or put one of their lovers above the other, because they are all equally important. There are poly triads, poly households, mono-poly relationships… there is basically a limitless variety of ways for multiple interpersonal relationships to form. And I have learned that communication, negotiation, compromise, and trust are some of the most important factors in any relationship. Not communicating leads to resentment, and as the saying goes, holding on to resentment is like “drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”
How could I deprive my lovers or myself of the beautiful things we could experience through being intimate with others? There are things he can learn from her that he couldn’t from me. There are experiences I could have with her that I couldn’t have with him. We could be missing out on so much growth by limiting ourselves to intimacy with only one person for the entire rest of our lives. Just because of jealousy and fear, would I say “no” to my partner’s growth and enjoyment? With enough reassurance, jealousy and fear are pretty easily trumped by the sense of compersion I get through knowing my loved one is happy, even if it is in part because of another woman’s affection.
What I want at this point in my life is an open relationship. I do want a primary partner, because I like the stability of having a person I know I can always go to first, who can always come to me, first. I like knowing who I am going to spend the holidays with. I don’t like things to be overly chaotic. But I also do not want to deprive myself or my partner(s) of experience, learning, and enjoyment. And that’s what other people give.